I'm going to take a stroll.

Wednesday is General Ponderings Day (apparently), so I feel obliged to give it a try.

I get a lot of time to think. A paper round was a blessing for someone like me- a chance to simply zone out for an hour, in fresh air, with good music and my thoughts. And on a good day, maybe a patch of grass to lie on, and take a break from existing. It's good.
Anyway, one thing I think a lot about is how other people feel. Sometimes, I just like to run through my head how someone might feel about things that happened to them. It's a good exercise in understanding. I feel as though I'm a very good reader of people (Not to demean a person to 1-2 dimensional media), so long as it doesn't concern myself. For instance, I can see who likes who from a mile away. That stuff''s easy. As soon as I place myself in the equation though, I argue. Contradict. Become confused.
Is it right for me to think of someone's feelings toward me? Is it right to ignore? Is that just my modesty speaking? Paranoia? Ego?
I feel as though when thinking about someone else, it's a unified voice, a unanimous decision. As soon as it's me, there's several. I second guess, trying to play some sort of moral-jenga. I'm trying not to think the wrong thing, but I can't decide what kind of "Wrong". It's strange, but I can't be alone. Surely.
I tend to find myself having to self-assure myself that my friends like me. I had a weird dream once, where I found out I was a paralytic shell of a human being, practically part-wheel-chair. And the big revelation was that I had been projecting the personality of my helper upon myself, the boy who so loyally carted me around. I had trouble coming to terms with what that would make me were that situation real. Fake? A copy? It was the whole clone debate, but with another cruel twist. It got me paranoid too. Was that the dream?
Sometimes I revisit that nightmare, but merely as a grounds for brain-food. But it doesn't stop me making up friendship balance sheets in my head, trying to think of what people do to me, and how they treat others, as some sort of test as to whether I'm some sort of pity friend, or something.
As cliche as it sounds, the doubts wash away when I'm with people, but they can return when I have time to think.
I suppose such blessed time to think has its cons too.