My fears have come true.

I knew that as soon as I had a private outlet, not only would this blug start to crumple, but so would my ability to blug. I'm not sure what this means for me. Have I become too guarded about myself now? I fear that my more secretive habits have closed off one of my only real ways of communicating the things I struggle to compose in speech. Perhaps now I have no real way of feeding titbits to snoopers.
Of course, there remains an alternative hypothesis.
It could always be that my thoughts just aren't as readable as the once were.
I may have become the kind of person who has thoughts and ideas and feelings that shouldn't be shared.
Here's hoping I haven't.
On the other hand, despite the retreat of my written word, my musical shortcomings are at least gaining some attention. Of course, I daren't play any of the songs that I write for myself, despite the misplaced pride I get from them. I think I'd need a more anonymous outlet for those, if I ever were to do anything with them. But hey. Baby steps. They're pretty dumb as songs go. There's this certain note I want to hit, this idea of placing a very universal feeling or emotion into these little stories, trying to sing about something really honest. I don't want to write songs about love at first sight and being whisked away to a heaven in your arms, I want to write songs about throwing rocks at girls 'cos you like them and you don't know what else to do.
It doesn't bear well for me that my desire for total unpretentiousness still sounds utterly pretentious.
University's different, University's great. It constantly surpasses every expectation I had for the place. The people are some of the best I've ever encountered, Every time someone leaves a room, I want to whisper about how much I love them. They haven't stalked me enough to have found this blug, probably, or at least have given no indication that they have, so that's a plus. It's hard though. Trying to learn all these new rules and limits and conventions I have to meet to keep favour or to not offend is quite taxing. I've started taking notes.
I'm pretending I know what I'm doing a lot though. I really don't know. Not at all. I'm being thrust from situation to situation that I've never had to deal with before (or have refused to deal with at far lower stakes) and I don't have any answers, or at the very least, the resolve to carry out what piteous solutions I can muster. I'm sure I'm slipping up a lot, hurting feelings, being completely evasive about things I should be, well, confrontational about. In fairness, it's not exactly a new issue. But it's something that is probably more important now than any other time I've done this. Sensitivity in communication is something I have always completely lacked. I lack words the one time they'd make a difference (me without a mouthful of shit to say is a sound to hear), and always catch myself falling into the same clichés that I would secretly damn someone else for using. Hell, my tone of voice skips "genuine" and goes straight to "patronising".
But I'll learn and manage. Or pretend to, convincingly enough.